First blog post

This year I will be turning 50. The BIG 5-0!  With this comes many different things. Inhibitions are lessened, you appreciate the small things more and see the world just a little differently.  One thing I have noticed is that: Life is magickal!  It is all around us. You can see it in your children’s eyes, in a tree as the wind blows the leaves, walking along an undiscovered trail, the smell of a sweet wildflower, and in the laughter of a good friend.  I believe in the magick of these things. They can uplift  a weary soul and shed light onto a dreary day. I want to share with you what I find magickal through this blog.  Through photos and words, I hope to be able to bring some of this magick to you!

All too often we are brought down by the responsibilities as grown-ups as we dredge along through the daily grind. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have something to lift us up? Give us hope?  We won’t be without the struggles in our lives. Sadness will find us. Troubles will bring us down.  Work hard at finding the magick in simple things and letting go of the trappings of adulthood. See the beauty through the eyes of a child. Enjoy a sunset. Smell a flower. Breathe deep! See the MAGICK!

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Depression and Suicide

I recently saw this short paragraph on depression and suicide and it resonated with me.  For those who struggle with depression, the pain is real and it is a constant struggle.

“Speaking from the perspective of someone who has struggled with depression for most of my life, I can tell you that a 1-800 # is not going to fix it. A therapist is not going to fix it. Medication is not going to fix it. Many people find it so easy to say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but what many people don’t understand is that for some people (like me) depression is sometimes a lifetime battle that never truly goes away. When it hurts so much to live, you don’t think clearly. There are random moments of “happy”, but for some, our minds are just wired differently and our emotions are hyperssensitive. It doesn’t mean that all who have depression will ever act on it. It doesn’t even mean that life can’t still have some semblance of meaning. But, to think a simple phone call is the answer is being naive. To think suicide is a selfish act, is one opinion. But from someone who struggles with severe depression, I see it differently. I live only because of my extreme love for my daughter. I know how much she needs me. When I share my sadness, it’s not even a 100th of a percentage of the depth of how bad it can get, but I reach out now, because it does help to not have to face it alone. It’s a constant struggle. Show kindness always. Be considerate always. We all share this planet. None of us asked to be here. And there is so much beauty if we open our eyes to it, yet all around me, people are so self absorbed, and choose to complain about even the smallest things. They’re rude, and inconsiderate, when there’s no reason to be. There’s so much unnecessary pain and suffering in this world. It’s crazy. Just listen, and love, and don’t be frightened away by anything someone with depression has to say. They sometimes just need to be heard. Peace and love.”

Whirlwind

Up’s and Down’s like a raggedy rollercoaster soaring through the wind

Clickety, Clack, Clickety, Clack

Feeling out of control.

What is this whirlwind?

Afraid to raise your arms, mastered by anxiety of the unknown

Unable to define your emotions

Fear, excitement, elation, scared, uneasy, joy?

Terrified of taking that next step, worried about the sadness.

With it, the whirlwind brings deep sorrow and gloom – from where did it arise?

Like hurricane winds the emotions swirl about leaving me shattered

Pull myself from the dregs of this sorrow only to see brightness again.

Hang on! Hang on tight, for no one knows how long the respite will last

Before the next whirlwind ensues.

Have you ever had one of those days where you could wish your self away?

I wish I had more money.

I wish I were skinnier.

I wish I had a better job.

I wish my kids would behave.

I wish the weekends were longer.

We “wish” for so many things:  more time, less bills, more happiness, less sadness, more money, less problems. Why do this to ourselves? Let’s try to be happy in the moment and embrace all of the magickal opportunities we have each blessed day! Learn to appreciate what you DO have and when you do wish, wish good things for others. Wish for them happiness, health and balance in their lives. Wish for them for peace, friendship, and love.  Be happy for their successes and supportive during their losses. And be kind to yourself – stop wishing away your life. Be present! Be Magickal!

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Being Grateful

I remember the magickal smell of the yeast mixed with flour, poppy and sesame seeds at the ready, the kitchen so hot you were sweating, all waiting in anticipation for the big feast you would have later. It’s not the feast I remember. It is the time and effort, the love that my mom put into getting up early to start the turkey and make homemade rolls.  A dozen poppy seed, a dozen sesame seed. It took way too long for the dough to rise only to be kneaded again, and placed back in the bowl with a kitchen towel covering it. The waiting once more began. Impatience took hold.

Now, I wish I could wake up in the morning and smell those familiar smells of Thanksgiving and see my mom kneading the dough for her poppy and sesame seed dinner rolls. I miss those days, but I am grateful.  Grateful to have those memories of my mother in the kitchen making dinner with love for a family who didn’t know how to appreciate it. img_3461Now, I stand at the kitchen table prepping the turkey, homemade cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes with rolls. Trying to make loving memories as I cook dinner for my family, my mother, and still grateful for those cold, wintery days when the house smelled like fresh dinner rolls and turkey.

Be grateful for the memories you have. Hold on to them as they are precious and cannot be taken away from you. Remember the good in others.

Be grateful!

 

 

Yesterday I stood

Yesterday I stood outside, amazed at the beauty before me. A slight breeze blowing through the leaves of the trees, golden yellow flickering with the sun warming their faces as they whispered and giggled to each other – can you feel it?  The freedom to dance and sway to the music of mother nature. For they stand strong — ancient souls that repeat the cycle of birth, life, and death. We should be like those leaves — basking in the sun as it penetrates our skin, warming us to the bone. Giggling, whispering, loving and living gracefully adjusting as our season’s change.

Whispering leaves

There is Magick in the End of a Relationship Which Brings New Beginnings

Thank you!  Thank you to the man who broke my heart and ended our relationship! For in doing so I was able to find real love and realize I deserved better!  You showed me what I do not want in my life or my relationships with others.  Through the tears of heartache, disappointment, rejection, and guilt, I have a better understanding of what I want in my life, and what I deserve!

There is magick at work here – a special kind of MAGICK! I know I am worthy!

Through patience, kindness, love, compassion, tears, jokes, hugs, and laughter, not only helping me believe in myself but believing in me, Magick brought someone special into my life. Someone who could show me that I am important, that what I have to say is worth listening to. I am not chastised for breaking out into show tunes or dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. My silliness matches his. He looks into my soul and sees the real me and loves me for it. He walks through my mind and dances on my heart.  Magick abounds!

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go so I could experience this magickal time in my existence. This new beginning filled with togetherness, love, patience, laughter, and magick.

 

See the Beauty in All Things

Beneath the dark, admist the hollows of my soul, I search for a glimpse of joy. When trying to climb out of the dark recesses of depression and sadness, one must thrust themselves at even the tiniest hint of pleasure.  Being able to see the beauty in even the most minute aspect of life is important, but most difficult on the bleakest day. I try to grasp and hold on to any thing that brings me pleasure, knowing that it may be few and far between. A friend calling to say hello, the laughter of my grand daughters, a text from the one you love can bring some semblance of balance – the balance between good and evil.

I am learning to see the beauty in all things – even if it is through the tears. This past weekend I attended a wedding where much beauty abounded.  The bride in her wedding gown glowing with love and happiness, the sweet taste of wine on my lips, a soft breeze blowing over my face as the bride and groom said: “I Do!”, dancing to Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop The Feeling,” the vibrant colors of a fall flower, and spending time with those who mean so much to me. Even the small things can be beautiful. Don’t overlook a kind gesture of a stranger, a smile as someone holds the door for you, the first leaf falling to the ground bringing old man winter close on its heels.  There are so many things to appreciate through all the pain and heartache.

Even in sadness, there is beauty.  We learn to appreciate the happy times when they do happen, and try harder to love those around us.  We care deeply and love hard. We feel everything exponentially. We see the beauty where others may not. We notice the little things.

See the beauty in all things.

“When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

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Vibrant colors taken on my cell phone.