Depression, Sadness, Grief and Despair

Depression, sadness, grief, and despair. I fight so hard to keep myself happy yet the darkness devours me. The black cloud rains tears of sadness on my soul. There is no joy in my heart and I cannot find it in myself or others. The blackness of fear, trepidation, and despair consumes my life. Without some light, I fear I will be snuffed out. Tears falling on my cheeks, heart beating fast, I look in the mirror but see nothing. My body aches as the evil takes over. When will this end?

I grieve for those I never knew and fear the grief for those I may never meet. Where do I come from? Where are my roots? It is the not knowing, the uncertainty that keeps me up at night. Can I make it through a day without the sadness and despair? Without the depression taking over. I can tell you I am okay, but will you believe me? Do I believe myself? Can you not see how much I am hurting inside. The black hole gets bigger, deeper, wider. I fear I will be sucked in never to return. I won’t be missed. I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to those around me. I have failed so many things, not able to fix what I have broken. Sobs reach my throat but I can’t let them out.

Let me tell a joke so you don’t know how I am hurting inside. I can fake it till I make it. At least I think so.

Someone once told me that myself esteem was as low as a snake’s belly.  How does one lose their self-esteem and it become that low? At what age did I stop believing in myself?

The little pill. The little pill makes me feel nothing. I am numb.

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