Toxic? Maybe

I needed to share some things that are going on in my head so I wanted to write them down.  This article really made me stop today and think (although this has been on my mind for some time now) about who I truly am. It scares me to think that I am this toxic person in other people’s lives.

I was reading this article because the title interested me and because this is how I have felt for some time. I have felt as if I am the “toxic person” that pulls people down. I have been struggling with this feeling for many years and I know deep in my heart that I have been this person at times. I hope, my friend that I have not been that toxic person to you. The person that you don’t want to be around. I know my depression has been bad throughout my life and at times I was probably unbearable to be around, and for that – I am utterly and truly sorry. I have a lot of things to work on within myself and this is one of them. My perceptions are different and I may not always be able to see the other persons point of view, but I am trying to learn to listen, really listen and understand. I have made many mistakes, said many hurtful and not so nice things to people, and have not always been available for those around me when they needed me — especially when I was wallowing in my own self-loathing and self-hatred.
This article talks about the 4 R’s:  Remember, Regret, Repair and Refrain
How hard those 4 things would be to accomplish (or so it seems to me).
What if you don’t remember the actions you took or the words you said?
What if part of you isn’t sorry or regretful for those past actions?
How does one reconcile those conflicting feelings within oneself?
 All this to say – that if in any way or form have I been that toxic person to or for you, I am deeply apologetic for that. I am conscious now of things I may have done or not done, said or not said that could have been very toxic behavior. I need to forgive myself, heal and let go. I think that I have hated myself for what has been done and have a lot of regret (not only with friends, but with family and my children as well).  I know that in a previous job I had so much toxic behavior that I just allowed it to take over and my conscious self was lost in the unhealthy throws of misery. That is why I had to find a new job. I allowed my self-loathing, self-hatred and depression to rule my life — I allowed jealousy and envy, pride and self consciousness to take over and I behaved in ways that I truly hope are not the real me. I feel sometimes that I AM that person — that mean, jealous, envious, hateful, immoral person and I don’t know what to do with that. It hurts to think that that is who I am to the core.
Have we fought so hard to pull out of the darkness that it has totally consumed us? Do we even know how to live a happy life? or are we so used to being miserable, depressed and living in regret and loathfulness that we will never be able to see the silver lining behind the clouds?
How does one come back from that? How does one truly know themselves and know they are a deeply good and kind person? My thought process feels so un-normal than others. It is scary.
Thank you for listening, or rather reading my rambling on. I just needed to get this out of my head this afternoon.

Time to Smell the Roses

It has been a while since I have had the notion to write something on here.  Life seems to get in the way sometimes of those things we enjoy – spending time with those we love, nurturing our own well-being, or working on hobbies we would like to pursue. But we need to learn to take “time to smell the roses.” Slow down.  Tell those you love how you feel about them.  Take a hike. Join a yoga class. Don’t let the busy, hard times keep you from taking care of yourself because you are the only one who can. Take a day off and see a movie alone. Breathe in deep the fresh air and meditate. Call a friend and reminisce. Laugh until you cry. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and say no. Enjoy and appreciate what is often ignored. Life is too short to not take the time for yourself and those you love. Put your phone down. Unplug from your tablet. Pick up a good book. Paint. Write a letter to someone and let them know you appreciate them. Actually make a phone call instead of text. There are so many different things that we can do to stop and smell the roses. Why wait? roses

Trust

The definition of trust is “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally.”

When trust is broken between two people, whether it be in a realtionship, a friendship, a co-worker relationship, or with family members, it can be difficult to repair.  I have experienced loss of trust and have felt betrayed. Resentment sets in and the ability to forgive becomes harder, the unreachable element that seems far off in the distance.  You find yourself looking for other forms of deceit, delving into things too deep and wondering where the next untrustworthy event will rear it’s ugly head. Once this seed is planted, it will grow and take over like unwanted weeds, choking out the goodness, love and light and will be filled with darkness.  Harmful and self-sabotaging ways lead to finding things that aren’t there, or perhaps, that are. Make sure you can handle what may appear in front of you.  Distrust is contagious.

In a world full of disposable relationships, jobs, friendships — it is difficult to truly fully trust others. Be careful. Take it slow. Make sure that those you put your trust in are worthy of that gift. Do not have blind trust. Don’t be gullible. Trust changes everything in profound ways.

Never give in. Never quit. Never give up! Start with the propensity to trust, and if trust is broken – try to rebuild it. Look at actions and not just words. If you broke someone’s trust in you, right those wrongs. Be trustworthy.  Be forgiving. Earn it. 11070201_1418895965091846_3867878554420622944_n

 

Have you ever had one of those days where you could wish your self away?

I wish I had more money.

I wish I were skinnier.

I wish I had a better job.

I wish my kids would behave.

I wish the weekends were longer.

We “wish” for so many things:  more time, less bills, more happiness, less sadness, more money, less problems. Why do this to ourselves? Let’s try to be happy in the moment and embrace all of the magickal opportunities we have each blessed day! Learn to appreciate what you DO have and when you do wish, wish good things for others. Wish for them happiness, health and balance in their lives. Wish for them for peace, friendship, and love.  Be happy for their successes and supportive during their losses. And be kind to yourself – stop wishing away your life. Be present! Be Magickal!

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There is Magick in the End of a Relationship Which Brings New Beginnings

Thank you!  Thank you to the man who broke my heart and ended our relationship! For in doing so I was able to find real love and realize I deserved better!  You showed me what I do not want in my life or my relationships with others.  Through the tears of heartache, disappointment, rejection, and guilt, I have a better understanding of what I want in my life, and what I deserve!

There is magick at work here – a special kind of MAGICK! I know I am worthy!

Through patience, kindness, love, compassion, tears, jokes, hugs, and laughter, not only helping me believe in myself but believing in me, Magick brought someone special into my life. Someone who could show me that I am important, that what I have to say is worth listening to. I am not chastised for breaking out into show tunes or dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. My silliness matches his. He looks into my soul and sees the real me and loves me for it. He walks through my mind and dances on my heart.  Magick abounds!

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go so I could experience this magickal time in my existence. This new beginning filled with togetherness, love, patience, laughter, and magick.

 

The Power of Patience

My patience is wearing thin.  Like a piece of parchment paper in water, my patience is draining away, slowly disintegrating into nothingness. I have become like the rest of them. Angry, rushed, impatient and petulant.

I have held much pride for the amount of patience I have and how long I can be pushed to my limits, but that is slowly dwindling.  Yesterday, when leaving work to run an errand, I accidentally pulled too far up onto a crosswalk. Unbeknownst to me, two people riding bicycles were pedaling by before I could pull away and make my turn. I could not move.  One of the two cyclists proceeded to berate me, scream and yell at how I was supposed to watch out for them and not be in the crosswalk.  He stepped off his bike and shook his angry fist at me as if I were an argumentative teenager not following the rules of the road. Not once did he stop to think, hey, maybe it was just an accident. Maybe this driver may have had a lot on her mind. It’s not like I did it on purpose. Immediately my patience was lost. I found myself holding up my right hand, and prophetically extending my middle finger for the proverbial F-U!

Now, I don’t normally have road rage or flip other drivers off, but for some reason, this pushed my buttons in the wrong way. I work hard, I am a good person and I try not to be an asshole to others. I follow the rules of the road, yield to bikes, motorcycles, and pedestrians. I try to help and treat people with respect and kindness, but yesterday, I could not hold back my frustration and lack of patience.

To you Mr. Bicyclist- My sincerest apologies for being in the crosswalk when you needed to use it! However, I refuse to apologize for giving you the bird!