Today I have immense feelings of guilt, anger and sadness. I weep for the lost years that we will never get back. I carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders and suffering as Atlas, held down with the world on my shoulders. I worry for the impact on two beautiful, little girls. How will they overcome the absence of their father? My heart breaks. My son may be locked behind bars, but he is not the only one in prison. I live each day in my own prison, shackled behind bars of stigma and society’s views of those who have been incarcerated. Tied to the guilt, dragging me down. Seized within the clutches of the dark shadows. I cannot share my truth for fear of retribution, shame and judgement. I am caged. Unable to move forward for the past holds me down. I am unable to breathe. My shoulders are heavy with sadness for I somehow failed you. Where did I go wrong?
The effects of your actions are like the ripples in the water after throwing a rock into the murky depths. Each ripple represents all of the things and people who are affected by actions of one, slowly spreading out, wave by wave, creating damage as they move. Or the aftershocks of an earthquake – continuing to wreak havoc and destruction even after the initial shock.
Little girls come to visit, they love their daddy. They are searched and touched and prodded, forced to wear certain clothes and only allowed to hug you once. Treated like miniature prisoners in your world. This isn’t normal.
I struggle between the world of empathy, understanding and callousness. I suffer angst when trying to decide whether to visit or not, to be treated as though I were the criminal, guilty of violating crimes that I did not commit.
I find myself fighting against the darkness of worry, guilt and anger. Trapped in my own prison.
It has been a while since I have had the notion to write something on here. Life seems to get in the way sometimes of those things we enjoy – spending time with those we love, nurturing our own well-being, or working on hobbies we would like to pursue. But we need to learn to take “time to smell the roses.” Slow down. Tell those you love how you feel about them. Take a hike. Join a yoga class. Don’t let the busy, hard times keep you from taking care of yourself because you are the only one who can. Take a day off and see a movie alone. Breathe in deep the fresh air and meditate. Call a friend and reminisce. Laugh until you cry. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and say no. Enjoy and appreciate what is often ignored. Life is too short to not take the time for yourself and those you love. Put your phone down. Unplug from your tablet. Pick up a good book. Paint. Write a letter to someone and let them know you appreciate them. Actually make a phone call instead of text. There are so many different things that we can do to stop and smell the roses. Why wait?
A granddaughter’s “I Love You”
A blooming flower.
Sunshine on my face.
Understanding in your lover’s eyes.
Memories inspired by a song.
An unexpected handwritten note.
A simple “Thank you.”
A hike alone in the mountains.
A hug just when you need one!
It’s the little things that bring joy.
Have you ever had one of those days where you could wish your self away?
I wish I had more money.
I wish I were skinnier.
I wish I had a better job.
I wish my kids would behave.
I wish the weekends were longer.
We “wish” for so many things: more time, less bills, more happiness, less sadness, more money, less problems. Why do this to ourselves? Let’s try to be happy in the moment and embrace all of the magickal opportunities we have each blessed day! Learn to appreciate what you DO have and when you do wish, wish good things for others. Wish for them happiness, health and balance in their lives. Wish for them for peace, friendship, and love. Be happy for their successes and supportive during their losses. And be kind to yourself – stop wishing away your life. Be present! Be Magickal!
I remember the magickal smell of the yeast mixed with flour, poppy and sesame seeds at the ready, the kitchen so hot you were sweating, all waiting in anticipation for the big feast you would have later. It’s not the feast I remember. It is the time and effort, the love that my mom put into getting up early to start the turkey and make homemade rolls. A dozen poppy seed, a dozen sesame seed. It took way too long for the dough to rise only to be kneaded again, and placed back in the bowl with a kitchen towel covering it. The waiting once more began. Impatience took hold.
Now, I wish I could wake up in the morning and smell those familiar smells of Thanksgiving and see my mom kneading the dough for her poppy and sesame seed dinner rolls. I miss those days, but I am grateful. Grateful to have those memories of my mother in the kitchen making dinner with love for a family who didn’t know how to appreciate it. Now, I stand at the kitchen table prepping the turkey, homemade cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes with rolls. Trying to make loving memories as I cook dinner for my family, my mother, and still grateful for those cold, wintery days when the house smelled like fresh dinner rolls and turkey.
Be grateful for the memories you have. Hold on to them as they are precious and cannot be taken away from you. Remember the good in others.
Thank you! Thank you to the man who broke my heart and ended our relationship! For in doing so I was able to find real love and realize I deserved better! You showed me what I do not want in my life or my relationships with others. Through the tears of heartache, disappointment, rejection, and guilt, I have a better understanding of what I want in my life, and what I deserve!
There is magick at work here – a special kind of MAGICK! I know I am worthy!
Through patience, kindness, love, compassion, tears, jokes, hugs, and laughter, not only helping me believe in myself but believing in me, Magick brought someone special into my life. Someone who could show me that I am important, that what I have to say is worth listening to. I am not chastised for breaking out into show tunes or dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. My silliness matches his. He looks into my soul and sees the real me and loves me for it. He walks through my mind and dances on my heart. Magick abounds!
So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go so I could experience this magickal time in my existence. This new beginning filled with togetherness, love, patience, laughter, and magick.