There is Magick in the End of a Relationship Which Brings New Beginnings

Thank you!  Thank you to the man who broke my heart and ended our relationship! For in doing so I was able to find real love and realize I deserved better!  You showed me what I do not want in my life or my relationships with others.  Through the tears of heartache, disappointment, rejection, and guilt, I have a better understanding of what I want in my life, and what I deserve!

There is magick at work here – a special kind of MAGICK! I know I am worthy!

Through patience, kindness, love, compassion, tears, jokes, hugs, and laughter, not only helping me believe in myself but believing in me, Magick brought someone special into my life. Someone who could show me that I am important, that what I have to say is worth listening to. I am not chastised for breaking out into show tunes or dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. My silliness matches his. He looks into my soul and sees the real me and loves me for it. He walks through my mind and dances on my heart.  Magick abounds!

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go so I could experience this magickal time in my existence. This new beginning filled with togetherness, love, patience, laughter, and magick.

 

See the Beauty in All Things

Beneath the dark, admist the hollows of my soul, I search for a glimpse of joy. When trying to climb out of the dark recesses of depression and sadness, one must thrust themselves at even the tiniest hint of pleasure.  Being able to see the beauty in even the most minute aspect of life is important, but most difficult on the bleakest day. I try to grasp and hold on to any thing that brings me pleasure, knowing that it may be few and far between. A friend calling to say hello, the laughter of my grand daughters, a text from the one you love can bring some semblance of balance – the balance between good and evil.

I am learning to see the beauty in all things – even if it is through the tears. This past weekend I attended a wedding where much beauty abounded.  The bride in her wedding gown glowing with love and happiness, the sweet taste of wine on my lips, a soft breeze blowing over my face as the bride and groom said: “I Do!”, dancing to Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop The Feeling,” the vibrant colors of a fall flower, and spending time with those who mean so much to me. Even the small things can be beautiful. Don’t overlook a kind gesture of a stranger, a smile as someone holds the door for you, the first leaf falling to the ground bringing old man winter close on its heels.  There are so many things to appreciate through all the pain and heartache.

Even in sadness, there is beauty.  We learn to appreciate the happy times when they do happen, and try harder to love those around us.  We care deeply and love hard. We feel everything exponentially. We see the beauty where others may not. We notice the little things.

See the beauty in all things.

“When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

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Vibrant colors taken on my cell phone.

Making Memories

The last two weeks I have been creating beautiful memories with my 76-year-old mother.  See, I took my mom on a trip to Ireland and Scotland. With all good intentions, I had a well-thought out plan – where we would go, what we would see and how much time we needed to drive between these different places.  But sometimes the best laid out plans don’t work.  We weren’t able to see as much as I had hoped and we had to take a much slower pace when site-seeing than I was used to.  However,  through this, I was able to see and appreciate, not only the scenery, history, and culture around me, I was able to appreciate the differences between my mother and me. This is not without saying that there were moments of impatience at her ability to talk to any stranger and turn a 2-minute conversation into a half hour dialogue, her slow walking pace, which forced me to not be in as much of a hurry, or the fact that she tired so much easier during the day.

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Despite what I considered set backs, we had a great time traveling together and we made some beautiful memories. Memories that will be with both of us for years to come — walking in the rain in Edinburgh and spontaneously stopping in a pub for our first pint of Guinness… gleefully sipping our drinks and listening to Scottish music.

 

Walking the cobblestone streets and hearing the sweet sound of bag pipes drifting through the wind, peaking our curiosity as to where they were coming from so we had to seek out their melancholy, sorrowful draw.

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Driving the curvy, winding country roads of the Scottish lands, mesmerized by the different shades of green, the serene hills, and the historic architecture of the fallen castles, Abbeys, and monasteries and catching a sunset in the seaside village of North Berwick.

Our Ireland adventures brought just as many amazing memories.   From the smell of the sea and deep earth, to the hustle and bustle of the city centre, each minute was filled with a plethora of astounding and breathtaking sites and sounds.

Through all of this, I learned more about myself and my mother. I realize that I need to be more patient. Be more patient, not only with her but with myself.  I want to ignore the fact my mother is aging and deny the feelings that I have when I think about losing her. I also learned that our parents can still embarrass us, even when we are adults but we shouldn’t be embarrassed, we should be proud. Proud that they can re-tell stories of our families history, or strike up a conversation with a complete stranger and make them giggle, or let this stranger know how proud they are of you when you think they don’t notice the things you are accomplishing.  I am thankful. Thankful to be able to take my mom on this trip to see places she has always wanted to travel to, to see the sparkle in her eyes when she listened to the bagpipes playing or touched the Irish soil.  These will be the memories that will stay enmeshed in my heart and forged on my soul.

 

The Sun Rises

This is a wonderful blog post about embracing change.

The World Needs A Loving Friend

Early every morning, when my son Caleb started to toddle and talk, he rushed into my bedroom to shout “The sun rises! Wake up, the sun rises!”.  His declaration roused me from my sleep, and started my day of mothering activities.  I loved his sweet high-pitched, joyful voice when he said those words.  The start of a new day brought many joys.

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He’s long since stopped bounding in with his declaration.  Yet, the truth of his words hugged me this week as I adapted to a big change in my life.

Due to a strange and unexpected twist I found myself leaving a job I loved at a place I loved.  I accepted a position in another amazing organization.   I did not imagine even two months ago I would leave this job, yet here I am, starting over in a wonderful way.

Throughout the last couple of weeks, I found…

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So many meanings

via Daily Prompt: Tea

When I see the word tea so many memories and meanings come to mind.  Sitting on the porch on a hot summers day and sipping a cold iced tea with my mother. The outside of the glass slippery as it sweats from the cold drink inside. Your mother bringing you a hot cup of tea, steam rolling across your face as you sip to help what ails you.  You feel the warmth through the mug, taking solace in it. Laughing with a friend as you share a pot over a cozy table in a small, inconspicuous shop- catching up on life, love, and everyday happenings.  Even though it may have been years since you have seen each other, there is something comforting reconnecting this way, the years fall away and the conversation is easy.  Having an enjoyable hot cup alone in your favorite chair while you read a book, no distractions except getting lost in the lives of the characters you read about.

There are so many flavors to experience and ailments to be healed.  Savor the aroma and taste the sweetness, enjoying every sip. It helps you forget the world and ignore the things you have to do.. even for just a little while.

T – Therapeutic

E – Everything is better

A – Aromatic

There is always time for tea.

“When I drink tea, I am conscious of peace. The cool breath of Heaven rises in my sleeves and blows my cares away.” ~ Chinese Poet Lo Tung

Depression, Sadness, Grief and Despair

Depression, sadness, grief, and despair. I fight so hard to keep myself happy yet the darkness devours me. The black cloud rains tears of sadness on my soul. There is no joy in my heart and I cannot find it in myself or others. The blackness of fear, trepidation, and despair consumes my life. Without some light, I fear I will be snuffed out. Tears falling on my cheeks, heart beating fast, I look in the mirror but see nothing. My body aches as the evil takes over. When will this end?

I grieve for those I never knew and fear the grief for those I may never meet. Where do I come from? Where are my roots? It is the not knowing, the uncertainty that keeps me up at night. Can I make it through a day without the sadness and despair? Without the depression taking over. I can tell you I am okay, but will you believe me? Do I believe myself? Can you not see how much I am hurting inside. The black hole gets bigger, deeper, wider. I fear I will be sucked in never to return. I won’t be missed. I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to those around me. I have failed so many things, not able to fix what I have broken. Sobs reach my throat but I can’t let them out.

Let me tell a joke so you don’t know how I am hurting inside. I can fake it till I make it. At least I think so.

Someone once told me that myself esteem was as low as a snake’s belly.  How does one lose their self-esteem and it become that low? At what age did I stop believing in myself?

The little pill. The little pill makes me feel nothing. I am numb.

Daydreaming

Today I find myself drifting – drifting from the dull, hum drum work day slowly into a state of dreamland. As my fingers drift across my keyboard, I find myself picking up seashells on the beach in Florida, grabbing a pint of Guinness in a pub in Ireland, watching a whale breach the ocean in Alaska, taking a gondola ride in Venice, or climbing the Great Wall of China. I can whisk away to a hiking trail in the mountains of Colorado or find myself playing in the tide pools on the Oregon coast. I playfully take myself to many destinations that I want to visit, imagining what I would see, smell or taste in these places. Meeting new people and making new friends. Sometimes I have conversations with people, imagining the outcomes of those conversations. What would happen if I received what I asked for?

Our teachers often told us in school that we shouldn’t day dream. Why shouldn’t we daydream?  They wanted us to concentrate, get better grades and turn in homework.  We were forced to pay attention, listen and don’t wander. We are reminded every day of our responsibilities, our need to impress others and keep ahead of those we feel are holding us back.  These have a negative impact on our health, performance, creativity, and mental health.

Daydreaming more often leads to increased creativity and improved mental health. You give your over-taxed brain a break! You become more creative and your memory improves.  During this process, you become more empathetic towards others,  create a healthier brain, sleep better, come up with ideas to improve your life and relationships! Not only will all of these things improve, you will become HAPPIER! Everyone should indulge in daydreaming! Let your mind wander to far away places!  Be happy!

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-benefits-of-daydreaming-170189213/

 

The Power of Patience

My patience is wearing thin.  Like a piece of parchment paper in water, my patience is draining away, slowly disintegrating into nothingness. I have become like the rest of them. Angry, rushed, impatient and petulant.

I have held much pride for the amount of patience I have and how long I can be pushed to my limits, but that is slowly dwindling.  Yesterday, when leaving work to run an errand, I accidentally pulled too far up onto a crosswalk. Unbeknownst to me, two people riding bicycles were pedaling by before I could pull away and make my turn. I could not move.  One of the two cyclists proceeded to berate me, scream and yell at how I was supposed to watch out for them and not be in the crosswalk.  He stepped off his bike and shook his angry fist at me as if I were an argumentative teenager not following the rules of the road. Not once did he stop to think, hey, maybe it was just an accident. Maybe this driver may have had a lot on her mind. It’s not like I did it on purpose. Immediately my patience was lost. I found myself holding up my right hand, and prophetically extending my middle finger for the proverbial F-U!

Now, I don’t normally have road rage or flip other drivers off, but for some reason, this pushed my buttons in the wrong way. I work hard, I am a good person and I try not to be an asshole to others. I follow the rules of the road, yield to bikes, motorcycles, and pedestrians. I try to help and treat people with respect and kindness, but yesterday, I could not hold back my frustration and lack of patience.

To you Mr. Bicyclist- My sincerest apologies for being in the crosswalk when you needed to use it! However, I refuse to apologize for giving you the bird!

A Cup of Tea

Sit down and let me warm up the kettle. Let us talk.  Being at the table sipping tea is a chance to slow down, pull back and appreciate our surroundings, taking a moment to reflect and dream big dreams.

So many of us do not take the time to just sit and enjoy a quiet moment. I have been guilty of this: always on the go, must say yes to every commitment, one class is not enough let me take two.  We must learn to quiet our bodies and minds, and listen, otherwise we can harm ourselves. It is important to daydream, whisper to yourself ideas that enter your mind, be creative.  I realize that where I find my peace is within nature. Hiking on a mountain trail, the quiet solitude of hearing nothing but the birds chirping, the smell of the pine trees, watching the fresh rain falling on a meadow of spring mountain flowers, the buzzing of the wings on a dragonfly as they flit back and forth. It is here that I feel relaxed – next to a creek. The water flowing over rocks as I watch, taking me back in time to a place where things were simpler. The scent of moss and damp earth reminding me there are things much bigger than me. The tranquil surroundings calling to me takes my breath away. It is here that I can think, dream, ponder, and reminisce.

What brings you peace?

Where is your solitude?

Tell me your dreams.

Let’s have a cup of tea and take a moment to reflect and appreciate.

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