Toxic? Maybe

I needed to share some things that are going on in my head so I wanted to write them down.  This article really made me stop today and think (although this has been on my mind for some time now) about who I truly am. It scares me to think that I am this toxic person in other people’s lives.

I was reading this article because the title interested me and because this is how I have felt for some time. I have felt as if I am the “toxic person” that pulls people down. I have been struggling with this feeling for many years and I know deep in my heart that I have been this person at times. I hope, my friend that I have not been that toxic person to you. The person that you don’t want to be around. I know my depression has been bad throughout my life and at times I was probably unbearable to be around, and for that – I am utterly and truly sorry. I have a lot of things to work on within myself and this is one of them. My perceptions are different and I may not always be able to see the other persons point of view, but I am trying to learn to listen, really listen and understand. I have made many mistakes, said many hurtful and not so nice things to people, and have not always been available for those around me when they needed me — especially when I was wallowing in my own self-loathing and self-hatred.
This article talks about the 4 R’s:  Remember, Regret, Repair and Refrain
How hard those 4 things would be to accomplish (or so it seems to me).
What if you don’t remember the actions you took or the words you said?
What if part of you isn’t sorry or regretful for those past actions?
How does one reconcile those conflicting feelings within oneself?
 All this to say – that if in any way or form have I been that toxic person to or for you, I am deeply apologetic for that. I am conscious now of things I may have done or not done, said or not said that could have been very toxic behavior. I need to forgive myself, heal and let go. I think that I have hated myself for what has been done and have a lot of regret (not only with friends, but with family and my children as well).  I know that in a previous job I had so much toxic behavior that I just allowed it to take over and my conscious self was lost in the unhealthy throws of misery. That is why I had to find a new job. I allowed my self-loathing, self-hatred and depression to rule my life — I allowed jealousy and envy, pride and self consciousness to take over and I behaved in ways that I truly hope are not the real me. I feel sometimes that I AM that person — that mean, jealous, envious, hateful, immoral person and I don’t know what to do with that. It hurts to think that that is who I am to the core.
Have we fought so hard to pull out of the darkness that it has totally consumed us? Do we even know how to live a happy life? or are we so used to being miserable, depressed and living in regret and loathfulness that we will never be able to see the silver lining behind the clouds?
How does one come back from that? How does one truly know themselves and know they are a deeply good and kind person? My thought process feels so un-normal than others. It is scary.
Thank you for listening, or rather reading my rambling on. I just needed to get this out of my head this afternoon.

Prison

Today I have immense feelings of guilt, anger and sadness. I weep for the lost years that we will never get back. I carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders and suffering as Atlas, held down with the world on my shoulders.  I worry for the impact on two beautiful, little girls. How will they overcome the absence of their father? My heart breaks. My son may be locked behind bars, but he is not the only one in prison. I live each day in my own prison, shackled behind bars of stigma and society’s views of those who have been incarcerated. Tied to the guilt, dragging me down. Seized within the clutches of the dark shadows. I cannot share my truth for fear of retribution, shame and judgement. I am caged. Unable to move forward for the past holds me down. I am unable to breathe. My shoulders are heavy with sadness for I somehow failed you.  Where did I go wrong?

The effects of your actions are like the ripples in the water after throwing a rock into the murky depths. Each ripple represents all of the things and people who are affected by actions of one, slowly spreading out, wave by wave, creating damage as they move. Or the aftershocks of an earthquake – continuing to wreak havoc and destruction even after the initial shock.

Little girls come to visit, they love their daddy. They are searched and touched and prodded, forced to wear certain clothes and only allowed to hug you once. Treated like miniature prisoners in your world. This isn’t normal.

I struggle between the world of empathy, understanding and callousness. I suffer angst when trying to decide whether to visit or not, to be treated as though I were the criminal, guilty of violating crimes that I did not commit.

I find myself fighting against the darkness of worry, guilt and anger. Trapped in my own prison.

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Whirlwind

Up’s and Down’s like a raggedy rollercoaster soaring through the wind

Clickety, Clack, Clickety, Clack

Feeling out of control.

What is this whirlwind?

Afraid to raise your arms, mastered by anxiety of the unknown

Unable to define your emotions

Fear, excitement, elation, scared, uneasy, joy?

Terrified of taking that next step, worried about the sadness.

With it, the whirlwind brings deep sorrow and gloom – from where did it arise?

Like hurricane winds the emotions swirl about leaving me shattered

Pull myself from the dregs of this sorrow only to see brightness again.

Hang on! Hang on tight, for no one knows how long the respite will last

Before the next whirlwind ensues.

Depression, Sadness, Grief and Despair

Depression, sadness, grief, and despair. I fight so hard to keep myself happy yet the darkness devours me. The black cloud rains tears of sadness on my soul. There is no joy in my heart and I cannot find it in myself or others. The blackness of fear, trepidation, and despair consumes my life. Without some light, I fear I will be snuffed out. Tears falling on my cheeks, heart beating fast, I look in the mirror but see nothing. My body aches as the evil takes over. When will this end?

I grieve for those I never knew and fear the grief for those I may never meet. Where do I come from? Where are my roots? It is the not knowing, the uncertainty that keeps me up at night. Can I make it through a day without the sadness and despair? Without the depression taking over. I can tell you I am okay, but will you believe me? Do I believe myself? Can you not see how much I am hurting inside. The black hole gets bigger, deeper, wider. I fear I will be sucked in never to return. I won’t be missed. I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to those around me. I have failed so many things, not able to fix what I have broken. Sobs reach my throat but I can’t let them out.

Let me tell a joke so you don’t know how I am hurting inside. I can fake it till I make it. At least I think so.

Someone once told me that myself esteem was as low as a snake’s belly.  How does one lose their self-esteem and it become that low? At what age did I stop believing in myself?

The little pill. The little pill makes me feel nothing. I am numb.