Up’s and Down’s like a raggedy rollercoaster soaring through the wind
Clickety, Clack, Clickety, Clack
Feeling out of control.
What is this whirlwind?
Afraid to raise your arms, mastered by anxiety of the unknown
Unable to define your emotions
Fear, excitement, elation, scared, uneasy, joy?
Terrified of taking that next step, worried about the sadness.
With it, the whirlwind brings deep sorrow and gloom – from where did it arise?
Like hurricane winds the emotions swirl about leaving me shattered
Pull myself from the dregs of this sorrow only to see brightness again.
Hang on! Hang on tight, for no one knows how long the respite will last
Before the next whirlwind ensues.
Depression, sadness, grief, and despair. I fight so hard to keep myself happy yet the darkness devours me. The black cloud rains tears of sadness on my soul. There is no joy in my heart and I cannot find it in myself or others. The blackness of fear, trepidation, and despair consumes my life. Without some light, I fear I will be snuffed out. Tears falling on my cheeks, heart beating fast, I look in the mirror but see nothing. My body aches as the evil takes over. When will this end?
I grieve for those I never knew and fear the grief for those I may never meet. Where do I come from? Where are my roots? It is the not knowing, the uncertainty that keeps me up at night. Can I make it through a day without the sadness and despair? Without the depression taking over. I can tell you I am okay, but will you believe me? Do I believe myself? Can you not see how much I am hurting inside. The black hole gets bigger, deeper, wider. I fear I will be sucked in never to return. I won’t be missed. I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to those around me. I have failed so many things, not able to fix what I have broken. Sobs reach my throat but I can’t let them out.
Let me tell a joke so you don’t know how I am hurting inside. I can fake it till I make it. At least I think so.
Someone once told me that myself esteem was as low as a snake’s belly. How does one lose their self-esteem and it become that low? At what age did I stop believing in myself?
The little pill. The little pill makes me feel nothing. I am numb.