I needed to share some things that are going on in my head so I wanted to write them down. This article really made me stop today and think (although this has been on my mind for some time now) about who I truly am. It scares me to think that I am this toxic person in other people’s lives.
Up’s and Down’s like a raggedy rollercoaster soaring through the wind
Clickety, Clack, Clickety, Clack
Feeling out of control.
What is this whirlwind?
Afraid to raise your arms, mastered by anxiety of the unknown
Unable to define your emotions
Fear, excitement, elation, scared, uneasy, joy?
Terrified of taking that next step, worried about the sadness.
With it, the whirlwind brings deep sorrow and gloom – from where did it arise?
Like hurricane winds the emotions swirl about leaving me shattered
Pull myself from the dregs of this sorrow only to see brightness again.
Hang on! Hang on tight, for no one knows how long the respite will last
Before the next whirlwind ensues.
I remember the magickal smell of the yeast mixed with flour, poppy and sesame seeds at the ready, the kitchen so hot you were sweating, all waiting in anticipation for the big feast you would have later. It’s not the feast I remember. It is the time and effort, the love that my mom put into getting up early to start the turkey and make homemade rolls. A dozen poppy seed, a dozen sesame seed. It took way too long for the dough to rise only to be kneaded again, and placed back in the bowl with a kitchen towel covering it. The waiting once more began. Impatience took hold.
Now, I wish I could wake up in the morning and smell those familiar smells of Thanksgiving and see my mom kneading the dough for her poppy and sesame seed dinner rolls. I miss those days, but I am grateful. Grateful to have those memories of my mother in the kitchen making dinner with love for a family who didn’t know how to appreciate it. Now, I stand at the kitchen table prepping the turkey, homemade cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes with rolls. Trying to make loving memories as I cook dinner for my family, my mother, and still grateful for those cold, wintery days when the house smelled like fresh dinner rolls and turkey.
Be grateful for the memories you have. Hold on to them as they are precious and cannot be taken away from you. Remember the good in others.
Depression, sadness, grief, and despair. I fight so hard to keep myself happy yet the darkness devours me. The black cloud rains tears of sadness on my soul. There is no joy in my heart and I cannot find it in myself or others. The blackness of fear, trepidation, and despair consumes my life. Without some light, I fear I will be snuffed out. Tears falling on my cheeks, heart beating fast, I look in the mirror but see nothing. My body aches as the evil takes over. When will this end?
I grieve for those I never knew and fear the grief for those I may never meet. Where do I come from? Where are my roots? It is the not knowing, the uncertainty that keeps me up at night. Can I make it through a day without the sadness and despair? Without the depression taking over. I can tell you I am okay, but will you believe me? Do I believe myself? Can you not see how much I am hurting inside. The black hole gets bigger, deeper, wider. I fear I will be sucked in never to return. I won’t be missed. I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to those around me. I have failed so many things, not able to fix what I have broken. Sobs reach my throat but I can’t let them out.
Let me tell a joke so you don’t know how I am hurting inside. I can fake it till I make it. At least I think so.
Someone once told me that myself esteem was as low as a snake’s belly. How does one lose their self-esteem and it become that low? At what age did I stop believing in myself?
The little pill. The little pill makes me feel nothing. I am numb.