Prison

Today I have immense feelings of guilt, anger and sadness. I weep for the lost years that we will never get back. I carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders and suffering as Atlas, held down with the world on my shoulders.  I worry for the impact on two beautiful, little girls. How will they overcome the absence of their father? My heart breaks. My son may be locked behind bars, but he is not the only one in prison. I live each day in my own prison, shackled behind bars of stigma and society’s views of those who have been incarcerated. Tied to the guilt, dragging me down. Seized within the clutches of the dark shadows. I cannot share my truth for fear of retribution, shame and judgement. I am caged. Unable to move forward for the past holds me down. I am unable to breathe. My shoulders are heavy with sadness for I somehow failed you.  Where did I go wrong?

The effects of your actions are like the ripples in the water after throwing a rock into the murky depths. Each ripple represents all of the things and people who are affected by actions of one, slowly spreading out, wave by wave, creating damage as they move. Or the aftershocks of an earthquake – continuing to wreak havoc and destruction even after the initial shock.

Little girls come to visit, they love their daddy. They are searched and touched and prodded, forced to wear certain clothes and only allowed to hug you once. Treated like miniature prisoners in your world. This isn’t normal.

I struggle between the world of empathy, understanding and callousness. I suffer angst when trying to decide whether to visit or not, to be treated as though I were the criminal, guilty of violating crimes that I did not commit.

I find myself fighting against the darkness of worry, guilt and anger. Trapped in my own prison.

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Time to Smell the Roses

It has been a while since I have had the notion to write something on here.  Life seems to get in the way sometimes of those things we enjoy – spending time with those we love, nurturing our own well-being, or working on hobbies we would like to pursue. But we need to learn to take “time to smell the roses.” Slow down.  Tell those you love how you feel about them.  Take a hike. Join a yoga class. Don’t let the busy, hard times keep you from taking care of yourself because you are the only one who can. Take a day off and see a movie alone. Breathe in deep the fresh air and meditate. Call a friend and reminisce. Laugh until you cry. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and say no. Enjoy and appreciate what is often ignored. Life is too short to not take the time for yourself and those you love. Put your phone down. Unplug from your tablet. Pick up a good book. Paint. Write a letter to someone and let them know you appreciate them. Actually make a phone call instead of text. There are so many different things that we can do to stop and smell the roses. Why wait? roses

Trust

The definition of trust is “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally.”

When trust is broken between two people, whether it be in a realtionship, a friendship, a co-worker relationship, or with family members, it can be difficult to repair.  I have experienced loss of trust and have felt betrayed. Resentment sets in and the ability to forgive becomes harder, the unreachable element that seems far off in the distance.  You find yourself looking for other forms of deceit, delving into things too deep and wondering where the next untrustworthy event will rear it’s ugly head. Once this seed is planted, it will grow and take over like unwanted weeds, choking out the goodness, love and light and will be filled with darkness.  Harmful and self-sabotaging ways lead to finding things that aren’t there, or perhaps, that are. Make sure you can handle what may appear in front of you.  Distrust is contagious.

In a world full of disposable relationships, jobs, friendships — it is difficult to truly fully trust others. Be careful. Take it slow. Make sure that those you put your trust in are worthy of that gift. Do not have blind trust. Don’t be gullible. Trust changes everything in profound ways.

Never give in. Never quit. Never give up! Start with the propensity to trust, and if trust is broken – try to rebuild it. Look at actions and not just words. If you broke someone’s trust in you, right those wrongs. Be trustworthy.  Be forgiving. Earn it. 11070201_1418895965091846_3867878554420622944_n

 

It’s the Little Things

A granddaughter’s “I Love You”

A blooming flower.

Sunshine on my face.

Understanding in your lover’s eyes.

Memories inspired by a song.

An unexpected handwritten note.

Bird song.

A simple “Thank you.”

A hike alone in the mountains.

A hug just when you need one!

It’s the little things that bring joy.

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Have you ever had one of those days where you could wish your self away?

I wish I had more money.

I wish I were skinnier.

I wish I had a better job.

I wish my kids would behave.

I wish the weekends were longer.

We “wish” for so many things:  more time, less bills, more happiness, less sadness, more money, less problems. Why do this to ourselves? Let’s try to be happy in the moment and embrace all of the magickal opportunities we have each blessed day! Learn to appreciate what you DO have and when you do wish, wish good things for others. Wish for them happiness, health and balance in their lives. Wish for them for peace, friendship, and love.  Be happy for their successes and supportive during their losses. And be kind to yourself – stop wishing away your life. Be present! Be Magickal!

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Being Grateful

I remember the magickal smell of the yeast mixed with flour, poppy and sesame seeds at the ready, the kitchen so hot you were sweating, all waiting in anticipation for the big feast you would have later. It’s not the feast I remember. It is the time and effort, the love that my mom put into getting up early to start the turkey and make homemade rolls.  A dozen poppy seed, a dozen sesame seed. It took way too long for the dough to rise only to be kneaded again, and placed back in the bowl with a kitchen towel covering it. The waiting once more began. Impatience took hold.

Now, I wish I could wake up in the morning and smell those familiar smells of Thanksgiving and see my mom kneading the dough for her poppy and sesame seed dinner rolls. I miss those days, but I am grateful.  Grateful to have those memories of my mother in the kitchen making dinner with love for a family who didn’t know how to appreciate it. img_3461Now, I stand at the kitchen table prepping the turkey, homemade cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes with rolls. Trying to make loving memories as I cook dinner for my family, my mother, and still grateful for those cold, wintery days when the house smelled like fresh dinner rolls and turkey.

Be grateful for the memories you have. Hold on to them as they are precious and cannot be taken away from you. Remember the good in others.

Be grateful!

 

 

There is Magick in the End of a Relationship Which Brings New Beginnings

Thank you!  Thank you to the man who broke my heart and ended our relationship! For in doing so I was able to find real love and realize I deserved better!  You showed me what I do not want in my life or my relationships with others.  Through the tears of heartache, disappointment, rejection, and guilt, I have a better understanding of what I want in my life, and what I deserve!

There is magick at work here – a special kind of MAGICK! I know I am worthy!

Through patience, kindness, love, compassion, tears, jokes, hugs, and laughter, not only helping me believe in myself but believing in me, Magick brought someone special into my life. Someone who could show me that I am important, that what I have to say is worth listening to. I am not chastised for breaking out into show tunes or dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. My silliness matches his. He looks into my soul and sees the real me and loves me for it. He walks through my mind and dances on my heart.  Magick abounds!

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go so I could experience this magickal time in my existence. This new beginning filled with togetherness, love, patience, laughter, and magick.

 

Making Memories

The last two weeks I have been creating beautiful memories with my 76-year-old mother.  See, I took my mom on a trip to Ireland and Scotland. With all good intentions, I had a well-thought out plan – where we would go, what we would see and how much time we needed to drive between these different places.  But sometimes the best laid out plans don’t work.  We weren’t able to see as much as I had hoped and we had to take a much slower pace when site-seeing than I was used to.  However,  through this, I was able to see and appreciate, not only the scenery, history, and culture around me, I was able to appreciate the differences between my mother and me. This is not without saying that there were moments of impatience at her ability to talk to any stranger and turn a 2-minute conversation into a half hour dialogue, her slow walking pace, which forced me to not be in as much of a hurry, or the fact that she tired so much easier during the day.

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Despite what I considered set backs, we had a great time traveling together and we made some beautiful memories. Memories that will be with both of us for years to come — walking in the rain in Edinburgh and spontaneously stopping in a pub for our first pint of Guinness… gleefully sipping our drinks and listening to Scottish music.

 

Walking the cobblestone streets and hearing the sweet sound of bag pipes drifting through the wind, peaking our curiosity as to where they were coming from so we had to seek out their melancholy, sorrowful draw.

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Driving the curvy, winding country roads of the Scottish lands, mesmerized by the different shades of green, the serene hills, and the historic architecture of the fallen castles, Abbeys, and monasteries and catching a sunset in the seaside village of North Berwick.

Our Ireland adventures brought just as many amazing memories.   From the smell of the sea and deep earth, to the hustle and bustle of the city centre, each minute was filled with a plethora of astounding and breathtaking sites and sounds.

Through all of this, I learned more about myself and my mother. I realize that I need to be more patient. Be more patient, not only with her but with myself.  I want to ignore the fact my mother is aging and deny the feelings that I have when I think about losing her. I also learned that our parents can still embarrass us, even when we are adults but we shouldn’t be embarrassed, we should be proud. Proud that they can re-tell stories of our families history, or strike up a conversation with a complete stranger and make them giggle, or let this stranger know how proud they are of you when you think they don’t notice the things you are accomplishing.  I am thankful. Thankful to be able to take my mom on this trip to see places she has always wanted to travel to, to see the sparkle in her eyes when she listened to the bagpipes playing or touched the Irish soil.  These will be the memories that will stay enmeshed in my heart and forged on my soul.

 

A Cup of Tea

Sit down and let me warm up the kettle. Let us talk.  Being at the table sipping tea is a chance to slow down, pull back and appreciate our surroundings, taking a moment to reflect and dream big dreams.

So many of us do not take the time to just sit and enjoy a quiet moment. I have been guilty of this: always on the go, must say yes to every commitment, one class is not enough let me take two.  We must learn to quiet our bodies and minds, and listen, otherwise we can harm ourselves. It is important to daydream, whisper to yourself ideas that enter your mind, be creative.  I realize that where I find my peace is within nature. Hiking on a mountain trail, the quiet solitude of hearing nothing but the birds chirping, the smell of the pine trees, watching the fresh rain falling on a meadow of spring mountain flowers, the buzzing of the wings on a dragonfly as they flit back and forth. It is here that I feel relaxed – next to a creek. The water flowing over rocks as I watch, taking me back in time to a place where things were simpler. The scent of moss and damp earth reminding me there are things much bigger than me. The tranquil surroundings calling to me takes my breath away. It is here that I can think, dream, ponder, and reminisce.

What brings you peace?

Where is your solitude?

Tell me your dreams.

Let’s have a cup of tea and take a moment to reflect and appreciate.

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