Toxic? Maybe

I needed to share some things that are going on in my head so I wanted to write them down.  This article really made me stop today and think (although this has been on my mind for some time now) about who I truly am. It scares me to think that I am this toxic person in other people’s lives.

I was reading this article because the title interested me and because this is how I have felt for some time. I have felt as if I am the “toxic person” that pulls people down. I have been struggling with this feeling for many years and I know deep in my heart that I have been this person at times. I hope, my friend that I have not been that toxic person to you. The person that you don’t want to be around. I know my depression has been bad throughout my life and at times I was probably unbearable to be around, and for that – I am utterly and truly sorry. I have a lot of things to work on within myself and this is one of them. My perceptions are different and I may not always be able to see the other persons point of view, but I am trying to learn to listen, really listen and understand. I have made many mistakes, said many hurtful and not so nice things to people, and have not always been available for those around me when they needed me — especially when I was wallowing in my own self-loathing and self-hatred.
This article talks about the 4 R’s:  Remember, Regret, Repair and Refrain
How hard those 4 things would be to accomplish (or so it seems to me).
What if you don’t remember the actions you took or the words you said?
What if part of you isn’t sorry or regretful for those past actions?
How does one reconcile those conflicting feelings within oneself?
 All this to say – that if in any way or form have I been that toxic person to or for you, I am deeply apologetic for that. I am conscious now of things I may have done or not done, said or not said that could have been very toxic behavior. I need to forgive myself, heal and let go. I think that I have hated myself for what has been done and have a lot of regret (not only with friends, but with family and my children as well).  I know that in a previous job I had so much toxic behavior that I just allowed it to take over and my conscious self was lost in the unhealthy throws of misery. That is why I had to find a new job. I allowed my self-loathing, self-hatred and depression to rule my life — I allowed jealousy and envy, pride and self consciousness to take over and I behaved in ways that I truly hope are not the real me. I feel sometimes that I AM that person — that mean, jealous, envious, hateful, immoral person and I don’t know what to do with that. It hurts to think that that is who I am to the core.
Have we fought so hard to pull out of the darkness that it has totally consumed us? Do we even know how to live a happy life? or are we so used to being miserable, depressed and living in regret and loathfulness that we will never be able to see the silver lining behind the clouds?
How does one come back from that? How does one truly know themselves and know they are a deeply good and kind person? My thought process feels so un-normal than others. It is scary.
Thank you for listening, or rather reading my rambling on. I just needed to get this out of my head this afternoon.

Trust

The definition of trust is “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally.”

When trust is broken between two people, whether it be in a realtionship, a friendship, a co-worker relationship, or with family members, it can be difficult to repair.  I have experienced loss of trust and have felt betrayed. Resentment sets in and the ability to forgive becomes harder, the unreachable element that seems far off in the distance.  You find yourself looking for other forms of deceit, delving into things too deep and wondering where the next untrustworthy event will rear it’s ugly head. Once this seed is planted, it will grow and take over like unwanted weeds, choking out the goodness, love and light and will be filled with darkness.  Harmful and self-sabotaging ways lead to finding things that aren’t there, or perhaps, that are. Make sure you can handle what may appear in front of you.  Distrust is contagious.

In a world full of disposable relationships, jobs, friendships — it is difficult to truly fully trust others. Be careful. Take it slow. Make sure that those you put your trust in are worthy of that gift. Do not have blind trust. Don’t be gullible. Trust changes everything in profound ways.

Never give in. Never quit. Never give up! Start with the propensity to trust, and if trust is broken – try to rebuild it. Look at actions and not just words. If you broke someone’s trust in you, right those wrongs. Be trustworthy.  Be forgiving. Earn it. 11070201_1418895965091846_3867878554420622944_n

 

Whirlwind

Up’s and Down’s like a raggedy rollercoaster soaring through the wind

Clickety, Clack, Clickety, Clack

Feeling out of control.

What is this whirlwind?

Afraid to raise your arms, mastered by anxiety of the unknown

Unable to define your emotions

Fear, excitement, elation, scared, uneasy, joy?

Terrified of taking that next step, worried about the sadness.

With it, the whirlwind brings deep sorrow and gloom – from where did it arise?

Like hurricane winds the emotions swirl about leaving me shattered

Pull myself from the dregs of this sorrow only to see brightness again.

Hang on! Hang on tight, for no one knows how long the respite will last

Before the next whirlwind ensues.

Being Grateful

I remember the magickal smell of the yeast mixed with flour, poppy and sesame seeds at the ready, the kitchen so hot you were sweating, all waiting in anticipation for the big feast you would have later. It’s not the feast I remember. It is the time and effort, the love that my mom put into getting up early to start the turkey and make homemade rolls.  A dozen poppy seed, a dozen sesame seed. It took way too long for the dough to rise only to be kneaded again, and placed back in the bowl with a kitchen towel covering it. The waiting once more began. Impatience took hold.

Now, I wish I could wake up in the morning and smell those familiar smells of Thanksgiving and see my mom kneading the dough for her poppy and sesame seed dinner rolls. I miss those days, but I am grateful.  Grateful to have those memories of my mother in the kitchen making dinner with love for a family who didn’t know how to appreciate it. img_3461Now, I stand at the kitchen table prepping the turkey, homemade cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes with rolls. Trying to make loving memories as I cook dinner for my family, my mother, and still grateful for those cold, wintery days when the house smelled like fresh dinner rolls and turkey.

Be grateful for the memories you have. Hold on to them as they are precious and cannot be taken away from you. Remember the good in others.

Be grateful!

 

 

There is Magick in the End of a Relationship Which Brings New Beginnings

Thank you!  Thank you to the man who broke my heart and ended our relationship! For in doing so I was able to find real love and realize I deserved better!  You showed me what I do not want in my life or my relationships with others.  Through the tears of heartache, disappointment, rejection, and guilt, I have a better understanding of what I want in my life, and what I deserve!

There is magick at work here – a special kind of MAGICK! I know I am worthy!

Through patience, kindness, love, compassion, tears, jokes, hugs, and laughter, not only helping me believe in myself but believing in me, Magick brought someone special into my life. Someone who could show me that I am important, that what I have to say is worth listening to. I am not chastised for breaking out into show tunes or dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. My silliness matches his. He looks into my soul and sees the real me and loves me for it. He walks through my mind and dances on my heart.  Magick abounds!

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go so I could experience this magickal time in my existence. This new beginning filled with togetherness, love, patience, laughter, and magick.

 

Making Memories

The last two weeks I have been creating beautiful memories with my 76-year-old mother.  See, I took my mom on a trip to Ireland and Scotland. With all good intentions, I had a well-thought out plan – where we would go, what we would see and how much time we needed to drive between these different places.  But sometimes the best laid out plans don’t work.  We weren’t able to see as much as I had hoped and we had to take a much slower pace when site-seeing than I was used to.  However,  through this, I was able to see and appreciate, not only the scenery, history, and culture around me, I was able to appreciate the differences between my mother and me. This is not without saying that there were moments of impatience at her ability to talk to any stranger and turn a 2-minute conversation into a half hour dialogue, her slow walking pace, which forced me to not be in as much of a hurry, or the fact that she tired so much easier during the day.

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Despite what I considered set backs, we had a great time traveling together and we made some beautiful memories. Memories that will be with both of us for years to come — walking in the rain in Edinburgh and spontaneously stopping in a pub for our first pint of Guinness… gleefully sipping our drinks and listening to Scottish music.

 

Walking the cobblestone streets and hearing the sweet sound of bag pipes drifting through the wind, peaking our curiosity as to where they were coming from so we had to seek out their melancholy, sorrowful draw.

Bagpiper

Driving the curvy, winding country roads of the Scottish lands, mesmerized by the different shades of green, the serene hills, and the historic architecture of the fallen castles, Abbeys, and monasteries and catching a sunset in the seaside village of North Berwick.

Our Ireland adventures brought just as many amazing memories.   From the smell of the sea and deep earth, to the hustle and bustle of the city centre, each minute was filled with a plethora of astounding and breathtaking sites and sounds.

Through all of this, I learned more about myself and my mother. I realize that I need to be more patient. Be more patient, not only with her but with myself.  I want to ignore the fact my mother is aging and deny the feelings that I have when I think about losing her. I also learned that our parents can still embarrass us, even when we are adults but we shouldn’t be embarrassed, we should be proud. Proud that they can re-tell stories of our families history, or strike up a conversation with a complete stranger and make them giggle, or let this stranger know how proud they are of you when you think they don’t notice the things you are accomplishing.  I am thankful. Thankful to be able to take my mom on this trip to see places she has always wanted to travel to, to see the sparkle in her eyes when she listened to the bagpipes playing or touched the Irish soil.  These will be the memories that will stay enmeshed in my heart and forged on my soul.

 

The Power of Patience

My patience is wearing thin.  Like a piece of parchment paper in water, my patience is draining away, slowly disintegrating into nothingness. I have become like the rest of them. Angry, rushed, impatient and petulant.

I have held much pride for the amount of patience I have and how long I can be pushed to my limits, but that is slowly dwindling.  Yesterday, when leaving work to run an errand, I accidentally pulled too far up onto a crosswalk. Unbeknownst to me, two people riding bicycles were pedaling by before I could pull away and make my turn. I could not move.  One of the two cyclists proceeded to berate me, scream and yell at how I was supposed to watch out for them and not be in the crosswalk.  He stepped off his bike and shook his angry fist at me as if I were an argumentative teenager not following the rules of the road. Not once did he stop to think, hey, maybe it was just an accident. Maybe this driver may have had a lot on her mind. It’s not like I did it on purpose. Immediately my patience was lost. I found myself holding up my right hand, and prophetically extending my middle finger for the proverbial F-U!

Now, I don’t normally have road rage or flip other drivers off, but for some reason, this pushed my buttons in the wrong way. I work hard, I am a good person and I try not to be an asshole to others. I follow the rules of the road, yield to bikes, motorcycles, and pedestrians. I try to help and treat people with respect and kindness, but yesterday, I could not hold back my frustration and lack of patience.

To you Mr. Bicyclist- My sincerest apologies for being in the crosswalk when you needed to use it! However, I refuse to apologize for giving you the bird!