Prison

Today I have immense feelings of guilt, anger and sadness. I weep for the lost years that we will never get back. I carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders and suffering as Atlas, held down with the world on my shoulders.  I worry for the impact on two beautiful, little girls. How will they overcome the absence of their father? My heart breaks. My son may be locked behind bars, but he is not the only one in prison. I live each day in my own prison, shackled behind bars of stigma and society’s views of those who have been incarcerated. Tied to the guilt, dragging me down. Seized within the clutches of the dark shadows. I cannot share my truth for fear of retribution, shame and judgement. I am caged. Unable to move forward for the past holds me down. I am unable to breathe. My shoulders are heavy with sadness for I somehow failed you.  Where did I go wrong?

The effects of your actions are like the ripples in the water after throwing a rock into the murky depths. Each ripple represents all of the things and people who are affected by actions of one, slowly spreading out, wave by wave, creating damage as they move. Or the aftershocks of an earthquake – continuing to wreak havoc and destruction even after the initial shock.

Little girls come to visit, they love their daddy. They are searched and touched and prodded, forced to wear certain clothes and only allowed to hug you once. Treated like miniature prisoners in your world. This isn’t normal.

I struggle between the world of empathy, understanding and callousness. I suffer angst when trying to decide whether to visit or not, to be treated as though I were the criminal, guilty of violating crimes that I did not commit.

I find myself fighting against the darkness of worry, guilt and anger. Trapped in my own prison.

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Trust

The definition of trust is “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally.”

When trust is broken between two people, whether it be in a realtionship, a friendship, a co-worker relationship, or with family members, it can be difficult to repair.  I have experienced loss of trust and have felt betrayed. Resentment sets in and the ability to forgive becomes harder, the unreachable element that seems far off in the distance.  You find yourself looking for other forms of deceit, delving into things too deep and wondering where the next untrustworthy event will rear it’s ugly head. Once this seed is planted, it will grow and take over like unwanted weeds, choking out the goodness, love and light and will be filled with darkness.  Harmful and self-sabotaging ways lead to finding things that aren’t there, or perhaps, that are. Make sure you can handle what may appear in front of you.  Distrust is contagious.

In a world full of disposable relationships, jobs, friendships — it is difficult to truly fully trust others. Be careful. Take it slow. Make sure that those you put your trust in are worthy of that gift. Do not have blind trust. Don’t be gullible. Trust changes everything in profound ways.

Never give in. Never quit. Never give up! Start with the propensity to trust, and if trust is broken – try to rebuild it. Look at actions and not just words. If you broke someone’s trust in you, right those wrongs. Be trustworthy.  Be forgiving. Earn it. 11070201_1418895965091846_3867878554420622944_n

 

It’s the Little Things

A granddaughter’s “I Love You”

A blooming flower.

Sunshine on my face.

Understanding in your lover’s eyes.

Memories inspired by a song.

An unexpected handwritten note.

Bird song.

A simple “Thank you.”

A hike alone in the mountains.

A hug just when you need one!

It’s the little things that bring joy.

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